FROM THE LEFT
What’s next for Trump? A new faith
Choice Edwards Guest columnist
We, well…not me…but some of us were scammed by Donald John Trump’s Trump University or some other swindle. Now, I predict the soon to be expresident will found his own church or religion.
Unlike the “alien” metal monolith in the Utah desert, Trump will not disappear; he is here to stay. His Banana Republic attempts to intimidate and overthrow the United States government have failed.
Like a bolt of $750 tax inspiration from Heaven, Trump’s cult will follow him to church. This is excellent for tax avoidance. Call it “Two Corinthians,” with a tag line: “For all those who are easily gaslighted or mislead.” Per his executive order, he is “the Chosen One.”
Instead of a Star of David, Crescent and Star or Cross, the symbol would “strongly” be a crossed-cross of a Callaway Driver and a TaylorMade putter with “Vengeance is mine saith The Donald” emblazoned across it. So threaten the non-believers and stand by armed. Donations for pardons will be taken up.
With the backing of the 76 million believers who voted for him, Trump feels a mandate (sorry for the use of that word, Mike Pence). Unlike his many failed businesses, Trump’s church cannot fail: This is tax avoidance on steroids.
Of course there will be a nationwide collection to help His Eminence rise from the politically dead so he can continue to not visit the palatial day care camps housing children separated from their evil-doing parents. Our Illustrious Leader obviously won the last election, “a lot of people are saying that.”
And “we shall overcome” this injustice, fraud and conspiracy by all involved, including USAG, Billy Barr, the FBI, all 50 governors and 80 million Biden voters. Trump will continue to assert that he was robbed.
So sign your non disclosure agreement and come be baptized into the Make Alternative God Asseveration (MAGA) church of delusions. All other religions are fake and a hoax. Our dogma is “No Muslims or handicapped admitted.” A collection will be taken up for the cause.
The cult will be required to meet at a building or golf course with the Trump brand and the Exalted Leader will falsely claim that he will charge the church folks less than he would other groups to meet at his property. They will take up a collection to help pay for the Glorious Leader’s travel to his places of worship.
The doctrine would include: How to admit sexual assault and get away with it without repentance.
Bringing firearms to church will be a commandment; lock and loaded optional. Of course the church will be a refuge for people creditably accused of cavorting with porn actors.
Trump religion is not dependent upon reading nor reasoning; there are good people on both sides of good and evil. Worshipers follow the dictates of their non-reading, cable news-watching Messiah. He and he alone knows best.
There will be no need to follow the advice of medical doctors to wear masks. If a member of the church succumbs to illness the Wonderful One will himself prescribe a medicine and course of healing. Perhaps a dose of bleach and a nice soothing light inside the body should do the trick. There will be a chant for locking up cancer-causing windmills and all showers will henceforth have super-duper water flow. So let it be written, so let it be done.
There shall be idol-worshiping of the extremely valuable portrait of the Glorious Founder. In exultation, a 50by-50-foot rendering shall adorn all worship events.
The First Lady of the church shall not be required to observe Xmas unless she so desires. She said: “Who gives a (care?) about Christmas stuff and decoration?”
Don’t laugh; it could happen!
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